Slipping away

There are things happening, moving so fast I feel like if I stop for even a moment I'm going to fall off. Planning what to do for the rest of your life is a lot easier when the present isn't in so much flux. I have ideas, things I'd like to do if only they'll work out - proving all those Brits right by moving to Canada, but only if the University accepts me for grad school. And then what to do before then? I have dreams of a working holiday in Oz or New Zealand the summer between graduating and grad school, but first everything else has to go right. These days it just seems like that's a lot to ask for.

It's getting better all the time

I pulled our old smoothie machine (basically blender with a pour spout) out of the closet as soon as I returned home, and since then I've had frozen yoghurt for breakfast every morning, mixing plain yoghurt with frozen fruit and soymilk, sticking it in an old yoghurt tub and then putting it in the freezer, and eating it with granola in the morning. This has been doing wonders for me - it's like an ice cream substitute which satisfies my craving for sweets without having any sugar except from the fruit proper, and thus not only am I eating more healthily in general but also when I do succumb to my desire for junk food I instantly get a stomachache, and therefore have started to develop an aversion. Amazing! Those who know me personally will realise what a feat this is for me; I am beyond addicted to chocolate and cookies, so the first step to getting healthier is eating healthily.

Of course the other half of this challenge is getting exercise. This has always been a problem for me. I'm quite lazy by nature, often choosing television and video games over going outside. However, now that I no longer have regular internet access I've started going outside more frequently, and to really start encouraging myself (as well as my parents) I ended up buying a Wii Fit this past week. Every day since I've been pushing myself to do the activities, spend at least half an hour with the yoga and strength training and such that it offers. I find mixing these with the feedback of a video game can really motivate me - in less than a week I'm down two kilos and really starting to feel better about myself. I was convinced that I would get this kind of benefit from living in Europe, but since I spent all my time exploring and not bothering to check my diet despite all of the exercise I got from walking about all of those cities, it never happened. It's motivation, really, that counts. I don't have much time left...

A deadline? No, not really. I just... Since I'm taking this fifth year of school I want to be the person I really want to be in life when I finish, and hopefully make it into grad school making the impression I want to be making for the rest of my life. Self confidence! I want to be in real life the person I am on the internet.

anciens amours

It is no secret that I am especially obsessed with Doctor Who. There are many many reasons for this, but a few in particular stick out in my mind...

- The Doctor (at least in the old series) is portrayed as an asexual character. This is especially rare, and something I can genuinely identify with. It's nice to have a good role model in this sense, instead of characters who "aren't getting any" being scorned by others. Some people are perfectly content never having relationships beyond friendship! I for one would love travelling around with a good friend, without any sort of pressure to keep something going on.

- Travel. Sure, he does it through space and time, but this is the life I envy. Constantly moving, never staying in one place too long, but seeing everything! I know I'd never be satisfied with the same old dull routine, and the ability to wander wherever I like whenever I'd like is something I would give anything for.

- The philosophy! He's generally pacifistic, uses violence as a last resort. And I get the feeling that while there is something out there in the great beyond that we couldn't possibly begin to comprehend, it isn't necessary to do anything special about it. Just keep exploring and learning; curiosity is your greatest asset. Even if there is a life after death, why should that stop us from making the most of this one we have now? As long as we're not actively performing evil deeds, I think it's enough. And of course, if you can help people out, you always should!



Okay, so that was a complicated explanation to bring me to the real point of this little rant.
I wasn't always so obsessed with this show.
Now, I have been aware of it for as long as I can remember, even enjoyed episodes I had seen in my youth as with many other shows, unawares of how much I would later adore them. Finally starting to watch the revived series is what brought me to the above realizations. However, until that point, there was a different scifi universe that embodied my beliefs, and was as close as I had come to finding something I could really imagine myself as part of.

That was, of course, Star Trek.

From when I first discovered The Next Generation at a very young age (I was only a year old when it premiered, after all) I was truly hooked. I decided I too would go into space someday, and until I went to Japan in high school I had a singular goal of becoming an astronaut. I planned my activities around when Voyager was on, and even in Japan I spent a lot of time watching DS9 reruns. When I still had cable I would often watch marathons of the original on the scifi channel. I rewatched the entirety of TNG my freshman year of college between watching it on Spike in my dorm in Colorado and checking out DVD box sets from the Orange County library in Orlando. I had my first roleplaying experiences in chatroom Star Trek simulations - I was but 10 when I started but still worked up through the ranks quite quickly thanks to my vast knowledge of the subject matter; these groups were large and had complicated ranking and promotion systems. I loved the authenticity. It wasn't long before I was "Captain" of my own ship and crew for a weekly sim, those were some of the best days I've had, delving deeply into the backstories of many a character I had created. I almost miss 1998 for all of that; I haven't seen groups like the ones I was in for a long time.

That was the vast majority of my life! The only "obsessions" I've had that remotely compare were with baseball and the Beatles, neither of which has completely left me.

And I think it's safe to say: neither has Star Trek.

Two days before the reimagined movie comes out in America, I have already seen it. Sure, I had to watch it in French, in a theatre with only a dozen people among which I was the only female. I had nobody to gush about it with afterward.

But I was still blown away.

I'll probably see it again when I get to England next week, just to hear the dialogue as it should be. Okay, who am I kidding, it was just that good I'd see it regardless.

Sorry Doctor, but an old flame has stolen my heart once more. At least for today.

every now and then

Lately I've been eating a lot of pasta, grilled cheese, eggs, drinking a lot of coffee and tea and lemonade, basically trying to eat everything I have left while avoiding buying more. It's a delicate balance - I don't want to waste anything but I'm not going to have much room in my bags. I'm slowly packing up and clearing out; I have my "recycling corner" and my little trash can, waiting for me to put on some pants and take them outside. At the same time I'm trying to read and research for one last paper, and with just a week left I'm having trouble forcing myself to do it - so much else I want to do one last time or make sure is ready before I go to Nice so I can grab my bags and leave when I get back.
Basically all the glass jars I've repurposed will be recycled when I leave, the bottles of oil and vinegar given to my programme office, the cleaning supplies probably left behind. It's just window cleaner and dish soap anyway.

The clouds of milk in my coffee are swirling around, making mesmerizing shapes. I don't want to read this book, I just want to kill time thoroughly.

bad dreams

I don't want to go to bed
'Cause all these voices in my head
Are clawing at me like a nightmare
Seems every time I close my eyes
I slowly start to realize
That these dreams will always be there

luxembourg - paris

A city of light
Doesn't seem right
At least not for someone like me
In darkness I hide
Holding my pride
And everything else setting free

Paris - Glasgow

Every place I go
Is fine for just a while
But there's one place I know
That's exactly my own style

I haven't been there often
But I always try my best
For it makes my heart soften
Faster than the rest

Every place I go
Is fine for just a while
But there's one place I know
That can always make me smile

I dream about it every night
Think about it through the day
Something about it just seems right
Oh how I long for a way

To stay forever
In my dreams
The land I love
Is far away it seems

How Quickly Daft Jumping Zebras Vex

A little smile is all I need
To get me through my day
No matter how bad it seems
It doesn't have to stay that way

I look around just breathe in
The world that's all around me
So much to see so much to do
So much that I could never be

Burden

どうしていつも　同じ問題がある
間違った時　思い出せない
それから　もっと危なくなる
一人だけ　忍びたい

この後を絶たない旅行
僕の放浪癖　エンドレスな夢
やめたいけど できないよ
永遠までの厄介はまた不明

I can't explain what it means to me
Only what it doesn't
I could only know what I meant to be
Even when I wasn't

History

Some people live for tomorrow
And some for yesterday
But I'm not the kind to ever
Look at things that way

The past defines who we were
Not who we are
And tomorrow is a dream away
So I'll keep on searching
For my star
Thinking only of today

Never look back
But remember the good things
It shouldn't be the bad times
For which the heart sings

"Pretty, Unique"

I was far away this morning
Thinking I'd never come back
But once again I find myself
Riding down this lonesome track

You can't stand to hear the things I say
Everything I do is always wrong
I'm not sure how I always manage
To stay with you so long

I swear I'm never coming back
Each time I head for that door
I try to find what it is I lack
But end up wanting so much more

You can't stand to hear the things I say
Everything I do is always wrong
I'm not sure how I always manage
To stay with you so long

I never know the right things
But I'll always try my best
I want to believe in my heart
And hope you can see the rest

You can't stand to hear the things I say
Everything I do is always wrong
I'm not sure how I always manage
To stay with you so long

InterCity Express

It came early spring had sprung
In comes Easter what has it brung
I could enquire but that's not my style
It came early so I'll sit for a while

Rolling backward toward a dream
It's funny how things always seem
To pull me away when I want to stay
I guess it's got to be that way

Moving on and on I see
That that's just how life is for me
Can't stay in one place for too long
I always sing a different song

Rolling backward toward a dream
It's funny how things always seem
To pull me away when I want to stay
I guess it's got to be that way

I'll never think I've seen too much
As place to place I always rush
But what I miss may be worth more
Than the wonders found on every shore

Rolling backward toward a dream
It's funny how things always seem
To pull me away when I want to stay
I guess it's got to be that way

Wien - Praha

It's been many years since I could
Ease my fears staring at the stars
Shed some tears wondering why
I'd lend my ears let someone else cry

On my shoulder while I kept mine
Dream of Boulder fading with time
As I grew older I never understood
Why people grew colder changing for good

So alone I'd wander looking for my star
Of travel growing fonder didn't matter how far
Sit and ponder lying on the grass

As my world falls apart around me

Switching tones
Switching sides
Changing moods
Changing minds

sonnet...sort of

"for my doctor"

each city that I visit
has a special song for me
and that's not shameful, is it
if music is all I see

the skylines stretching out
and churches made of stone
leave no shadow of a doubt
that I must walk alone

companions come and go
on this eternal earth
and few will ever know
the city of my birth

so my guide will be wanderlust
until my bones have turned to dust

when the rain comes, they run and hide their heads...

seventy degrees outside
yet in my room i still hide
it's beautiful today
but i won't go out of my way
a good time isn't worth it
so here alone i sit
lemonade and jaffa cakes
an unhealthy day makes

a limerick for st. patricks day

it is often my curse
that my thoughts are in verse
but i have found
if i write them down
they needn't come out so terse.

ventimiglia refrain

the waves envelop
draw me in
"come join us"
but I've thicker skin
I turn around
the mountains beckon
it's their song
that wins I'd reckon

A cheap-ass short term kitchen

One of the nicest things I've found here is the abundance of basic foodstuffs in glass jars. Now I know, they have glass jars back home, it's just usually reserved for the more expensive brands. Here all of my jam, nutella, mayo, coffee, and so on comes in glass, not plastic. This is good news in two ways: glass jars are less harmful to the environment, and glass jars make excellent reusable containers that I won't feel attached to at the end of my stay here and can then recycle. No need for tupperware, heck, some even make good tumblers for my juice. It's perfect. Good for me, good for the planet...
Now if only I can cut down on the junk food that keeps going in them (I'm looking at you, carton of crème anglaise...)

rhymes to annoy my sister

off the plane, signs say train
stick in my card, that's not too hard
victoria station, that'll be your location
then we get on the bus! go... us?

Living cheaply is harder when you don't have anything...

It's hard enough living and eating inexpensively when you have a full kitchen to make things in. Here in my dorm in France, I just have an electric range and a small refrigerator. I have only a frying pan to cook things in, and an electric kettle for boiling water (I drink a lot of tea). This however excludes the possibility of making certain things that are generally cheaper, such as noodles, since I don't have a sauce pan. So I've gotten creative with eggs and fried bread. Eggs with potatoes, tomatoes, onions, cheese, or any mixture of the above. Then there's grilled cheese, butter toast with jam or nutella, ham sandwiches, even french toast.
However, after my initial grocery run, things are slowly running out. I don't have money for anything else until I get my school refund, so I'm down to cheese and bread. I can get more bread relatively cheaply so I guess that's what I live on until then... *sigh*